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In this op-ed, Mia M., a 17-year-old Texas high school student and part of the Youth Voices program at It Gets Better, recalls their coming out story and offers tips for other LGBTQ+ youth for National Coming Out Day. Mia’s last name is being withheld for privacy.
Life in my early teens was pretty hard. From the outside, it seemed I had it pretty good: a loving family, good friends, and a safe and supportive school community. But inside, I was battling extreme feelings of grief, confusion, and sadness. On top of puberty, I was entering a new identity crisis involving my gender, sexuality, and religion, which turned my sense of self completely upside down.
Were the warm, fuzzy feelings for my friend just platonic or were they something more? Why did I never share my “boy crush” at sleepovers? I liked to dress in pink and do my makeup, but any label I tried using to define my identity felt wrong.
On top of these thoughts, I was often confused about the messages of Islam and religion, like that not being heterosexual may be considered haram, or a sin. I often heard from my community that it was okay to have thoughts about being queer, but acting on it was forbidden.
So, until high school, I tried to play the “good girl.” I got good grades, I said yes to boys who asked me to dances, and I never brought up my feelings about sexuality when my family asked if I had a boyfriend.
But the more I tried to hide, the more miserable I became — until I decided to tell my older sister Mikaela that I might be queer. With hugs and late-night talks, we came up with a plan to tell my parents. My sister held my hand as I gathered my family, explaining the feelings I was experiencing. There were a lot of tears (mostly from me), and my parents did not immediately understand my point of view. But over time, they’ve been able to see and support me for who I am.
Being a Black American, Muslim, and LGBTQ+ teen in Texas has been incredibly hard. I’ve experienced doubt and discrimination from all sides, often being told my identity is just a “phase.” I remember leaving my home absolutely scared for my life because of the outwardly homophobic and Islamophobic people who protested every day by the grocery store, shouting slurs and ugly words at anyone who dared pass by. I was horrified. How could people be so hateful and violent toward their own neighbor? But when I brought it up, people would say, “That’s just the way it is.”
I refuse to accept that injustice in the world is “normal.”
I didn’t want others to experience this kind of hatred so close to home, so I promised to fight like hell for those who were discriminated against. Has it been easy? Definitely not. I’ve been scared as I’ve protested at my school, fighting for the rights of trans youth. And fighting against hateful views can make you a target of them yourself. For some people, it isn’t safe to come out or stand up for LGBTQ+ rights — I fight for those people too .
This National Coming Out Day, for anyone who might be questioning their identity or struggling with sharing who they are with family and friends, I want to offer these thoughts and tips that have helped me along the way.
Know yourself so well and love yourself so hard that no one can tell you different. I can’t express how crucial and important it is to be your biggest advocate, ally, and partner. Figure out what motivates you through hard times — meditation, journaling, prayer. By staying grounded, you are better equipped to face challenges with less worry and self-doubt.
Find your support system and safe space. When I was first out, it felt like I would have to navigate my identity alone, but there are so many resources available to help. Start by engaging in your local GSA youth group, volunteering at a nonprofit organization dedicated to the LGBTQ+ community, or — my personal favorite — going to your local library and/or bookshop to read books featuring queer youth by queer authors.
If you live in a place where these in-person opportunities don’t exist, or if you just feel more comfortable finding support online, organizations like It Gets Better and The Trevor Project provide digital guides and additional resources for LGBTQ+ youth. Following social media accounts that celebrate and support the queer community is a great option too; just be aware of your privacy and follow internet safety guidelines.
You can still identify as queer while celebrating your culture and spirituality. Especially for religious LGBTQ+ youth and youth of color, we get the message that we must fit into this heteronormative picture in order to be accepted by God and/or community. This is far from true. Your identity is beautiful and adds just as much depth and significance to what makes you you.
I found the nonprofit organization Beloved Arise to be so welcoming as it connected me to the stories of other LGBTQ+ people of faith and reminded me that Allah/God sees me as perfect and loves me the way I am. Other groups such as Muslims for Progressive Values (Islam), Keshet (Judaism), and Believe Out Loud (Christianity) all help LGBTQ+ people, allies, and parents reach closer to their faith while celebrating their queer identity and staying true to their beliefs.
However you choose to show up today or any other day, know that you are loved and supported. Everyone’s “coming out” journey is different, but there is a whole big community to help you and cheer for you along the way. By taking care of and celebrating one another, we can give one another the strength to live openly and proudly as our truest selves.
